Giving "change" a side hug.

Holy balls, y’all. I will be embarking on this trip to Kenya in nearly a month. A MONTH! I heard of this opportunity to travel to Kenya (and also Rwanda) late last May. I quickly and excitedly filled out the extensive application, had an interview, and was told on June 15th (the last day of spring quarter) that I was accepted. But the kicker: I didn’t really know what I would be getting myself into. When speaking with the two faculty members who are leading the trip, they mentioned it will be a “service-learning” trip based on creating relationships with the people in the village where we will be living, and studying community development. Cool. I can do that! Or, at least, I thought I would be able to “do it” with much more grace, understanding, and finesse. I thought I could adapt better and take on a challenge. News flash: You have not even left America yet, Shelby. That picture above oddly represents the past few days all too well: a little fuzzy, kinda weird, a tad bit crazy, and me trying to act like I am too cool to feel it all so deeply.

In the past few years specifically, I have noticed that I tend to boast this spirit of adventure, spontaneity, and confidence in my life. Mostly, because those are characteristics that I am genuinely proud of and desire to highlight in my actions. However it has become so dangerous. Like, imagine a bee stinging you every day and you choose to ignore it because you want to be tough and then you realize you’re actually allergic to bees. The problem with becoming boastful is that synonyms include: arrogant, cocky, pretentious, etc,. Which are awful words! Awful words that have me believing the lie that I “have it all together”, all the time. Words that challenge me to forget other characteristics that I hold. Words that I am actually allergic to but was too busy being tough to notice.

What a harsh reality it is when life knocks you down in the form of sobbing uncontrollably in your car, and realizing that in all actuality, I DO have the ability to be quite timid, anxious, worried, scared, defeated, etc. Even if I attempt to preach to myself that I am, and will not be, none of those “weak” things. I am (slowly) reminding myself that there is indeed beauty in suffering! and being vulnerable and crying in coffee shops and praying for strength and hugging your best friend while saying “omg. I will not be able to instagram for seven weeks, that’s nuts.”

I have been told numerous times in the last couple days to “embrace the change!” which is an easy thing to say, especially to someone who has put on the facade of a life lived purely on adventure and change. But going for the gold ain’t really my thing sometimes. Can I start with giving this thing called “change” a handshake? Then maybe moving to a side hug? Slowly working my way to an embrace? As my friend Luke responded, “No! You’re giving it up on the first date!” and even though I don’t want to admit it- he is very right. I am jumping in head first, going full force, uncontrollably saying “yes”, because really, I have no (better) choice, even though I am scared. I have committed to this wild adventure- with my heart and with my wallet. I have about 32 days to take a deep breath, continue to ask God for wisdom, arrange to have someone take over my business while I am gone (more on that later), eat all the American food I can get my hands on, move into a new apartment, defeat my final exams, complete wills and legal forms, and mentally prepare to have my life wrecked, challenged, and restored, in the most beautiful way while I am travelling on the dirt roads of Kenya + Rwanda.

I also have 32 days to get over the selfishness that is inherently present in all this worry and grief. Because really, that is the root of this. I am a selfish individual who craves a comfortable life, a warm bed, a laptop to type on, among many things. There are millions of people who have no clue what it means to have the life that I do. I am so lucky. Here I am, complaining about the motions of traveling to a foreign country. Most people in the world cannot begin to fathom this reality! So, there may be beauty in suffering, but more importantly, I beleive there is beauty in having your suffering be convicting. God doesnt call me to be adventerous, or arrogant, or even anxious and timid. While it's okay to suffer and to be full of confusion, there is room in that space to be pointed to where my heart should be.

"So, Chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. . . Regardless of what else you put on, wear love..." Colossians 3:12-14 MSG

Our team of 11 students + 2 faculty members recently had a meeting, which was the first time I had the chance to sit down in a group and talk about this wild adventure we are all eagerly (or not so eagerly) waiting to experience. I left the meeting as an anxious and worried ball of stress because inevitably, the unknown outweighs the known. There is little I have concept of. No one has been there to hold my hand and gently say “Oh, honey, it’s going to be just fine. Here’s a day by day schedule of the next two months”. Life would be so boring if we knew everything in advance, right? But I am really craving that right now. So in a sad attempt to feel more okay with “giving it up on the first date”, and to help my friends and family who have continually asked the questions “so are you studying abroad?” “Ok, so how is this different than a traditional study abroad?” “What will you actually be doing, though?”, I made a list of the knowns/unknowns.

I will not:

-Be going to a specific college in Kenya.

-Be blogging (like I had hoped I would and why I originally created this blog)

-Have wifi.

-Have my computer/phone with me.

-Be traveling to new countries every weekend.

-Have the chance to update everyone on facebook whenever I please.

-Have my parents and friends visit me on vacation. Let’s be real. This is not Italy.

-Have friends say they are “jealous”. (Most likely)

-Be instagramming my lavish (not even close) and adventurous “study abroad” trip.

-Be comfortable.

-Have a ton of personal space

-Be able to be in control of every single aspect of my life.

-Be running my business.

-Have a specific daily schedule.

-Have an exact syllabus until we get to Kenya.

-Be afraid of being timid and vulnerable and open to change.

-Know how I will be affected by this trip.

I will:

-Be creating friendships with the native people of SW Kenya, and wherever we go.

-Be learning and growing and evolving.

-Have the chance to learn in a new, dynamic, and intriguing environment that is hands on. Unlike most of my peers who study abroad.

-Be studying community development and human relationships.

-Be traveling to Kenya and Rwanda.

-Have an associate running my business. (more on that later)

-Be writing in a journal.

-Have a small and simple “go-phone” to call people back home every once and awhile.

-Allow myself to be timid and vulnerable and open to change.

-Be thinking constantly.

-Make new friends. Yay!

-Eat a lot of new and different food.

-Challenge myself to acknowledge and appreciate my privilege in a way I have not yet confronted.

-Miss my friends and family.

Although, as life so generously has shown me, things change. The unknowns can flip to the knowns and the knowns can slowly weave into the unknowns. The things I thought would wreck me could be lifting me up and supporting me the whole time. The possible challenges that wake me up at night could vanish in an instant. Life without email, Facebook, and Instagram surprisingly does exist, and I will have to deal with it. As I slowly but surely ease into giving "change" a side-hug, maybe it will be the one to go ahead and embrace me before I am ready. I mean hey, it apparently already has.

"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace- only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us" - Anne Lamott