finding peace in goodbye

My granny Dana was quite the world traveler. She did not just opt for the easy jaunt about Paris, but she searched for adventure in nearly everything she accomplished. It certainly was not fun if it was not interesting!

We shared many qualities, such as our assertiveness and passion- which sometimes came off as a wee bit bossy and demanding. But really, we just wanted to see things change and were determined to make it happen.

We shared devotion to bettering our communities as she created Smart Start, a monumental afterschool care program for low-income children, and was a long time Rotarian in Ojai., and I was on youth centered city council in Olympia Wa.

But! My verrrrrrrry favorite thing we shared was our love and desire for reaching out into different cultures and seeing new parts of the world without hesitation.

After my sweet grandpa passed away 4 years ago, granny embarked on trip after trip. In the last 4 years, she has been to 28 countries and 23 states in the US. She has crossed borders and rivers and jungles. She's seen more than many many people I know....combined.

Through her travels she taught me 3 things:

1. Do not be afraid.

This was manifested in her trek through Niger, in Africa, through desserts with guards surrounding them, protecting them from whatever could harm them. She was a fearless traveler. She didn't let fear stop her from completing tasks or dreams. I will carry this essence with me as I depart to travel + live in rural Kenya, in January.

2. Do not be sorry.

Don't feel like you need to apologize for following your elaborate dreams or pursuing the goals you have set for yourself. Be an unapologetic adventurer in pursuit of what makes your heart sing.

The last time I saw my granny, I was on a road trip from Arizona to Washington and we crossed paths while she was traveling through Idaho. She was coming to Washington in the next month, but I was going to be in Brazil. I went to visit her in California, but she decided she wanted to go to Michigan instead. I still made the trip down to California, though. I slept in her home and looked at her maps and read her travel books and smiled at every knick-knack and souvenir she has picked up around the globe. Beautifully decorating the walls of her home and showing the places she has seen.

3. Do not be angry

My granny was involved in a horrible accident and was rushed to the hospital in the late of the night. My family flew from all over the westcoast to be by her side and to say their goodbyes before she was ultimately taken off life support just days later. Which was her wish- she didn’t want to be in pain or a burden to anyone. Unlike my family,, I was unable to be by her side and say my final goodbye. I had committed to photographing two weddings in the same weekend and there was no way I could get out of it. I was heartbroken at the strange idea of not being there with my family. It didn’t feel right whatsoever to have my grandma pass away with everyone by her side except me, because I was capturing the first dance of a wedding.

I flew down after the weddings. I found a wonderful and kind photographer, Julie, who was willing to cover one of my weddings so I could make it to the memorial and celebrate my grannys amazing life of love and passion.

I was bitter I did not say goodbye. I was sad that my last memories of her were not as recent and concrete as they should have been. I always conclude my talks to granny with "I can't wait to travel with you someday!". I was frustrated I wouldn't have that option anymore.

But, if my granny exuded anything, it would be that anger does not get you anywhere. At all.

“I am so happy here!” were the words my granny scribbled in her travel journal while being in Siem Reap, Cambodia. Shortly after her death, my friend Annie asked me if I wanted to travel to Cambodia while I was visiting in Thailand. I was excited and anxious and stoked to see the place that apparently made my granny feel happy and alive.

Yesterday, I spread a bit of granny’s ashes in Angkor Wat. Annie and I conquered Angkor Wat in the pouring rain for 5 hours. We were soaked from head to toe, giggling, cracking jokes, carrying around a broken umbrella, accidently breaking our shoes (okay, just mine), marvelling at the ruins, chatting with local kiddos and ultimately, being so so SO joyful. When we returned back to our hotel to dry off, I had the same thought “I am so happy here!”

I finally had my chance to say "goodbye", see ya later, adios, to my granny yesterday. Peace was finally present. My heart was so happy and full of joy. I wish all my goodbyes looked a lot more like this. Frolicking in the rain and (literally) soaking in the beauty of life and love and loss and everything in between. I realize now that my (seemingly late) goodbye was exacactly the farewell she would have desired from me.

I've had a goal of traveling to 7 continents in 7 years. So far, I have hit 4, with one more on the way. Granny, however, hit ALL 6 in just 4 years.

Although our time together was unfortunately cut so short... I'll carry her spirit with me wherever I go next. I'll bring her back to Thailand and Kenya and Bellingham. I’ll carry her to Europe and Asia, Australia and South America, Africa and our home of North America... And finally, I'll carry her to our last chilly and barren continent on the list..... Antarctica. Her and I, finally getting our chance to travel somewhere together.

Thankful for a woman who lived the most abundant life and created a beautiful legacy for me to follow.